 Did I drink too much diet pop? Was it because my mom defrosted frozen spaghetti sauce in margarine containers in the microwave? Did I inhale too much second hand smoke in the bars in my younger years? Is it from a lifetime of mosquito repellant use? Why? What did I do? I’m a good person. What can I blame for getting cancer? I remember my mom pondering the same question. I think it’s common for people going through cancer to wonder - what did I do to cause this? I'm searching the deepest crevices of my grey matter to place the blame on something so this all doesn’t seem incredibly random. The first doctor I met with at the walk in clinic questioned why I didn’t have a family doctor. She made me feel like it was my fault that family doctors are a rarity in our province. From my first medical encounters after learning about my cancer diagnosis I was carrying this feeling of shame around…why didn’t I know there was a lump in my breast? Why did I let years pass without having a mammogram? Why didn’t I go to a walk-in clinic sooner? Why? Why? Why? I finally found a family doctor who was not accepting new patients but thanks to a family connection he took me on. At my first visit I was frantically telling him how I always had annual mammograms but my doctor retired...and she didn’t provide a list to help me find a new doctor...and during the Covid years I didn’t want to go to a doctor’s office but since then I called five different clinics and none were accepting new patients...and I tried to book a mammogram on my own but they told me I needed a referral….You have to read that as a fast run on sentence to get the full effect of how nervously and shamefully I blurted it out. He looked at me and calmly said, "this is not your fault." This is not my fault? Breathe. A weight lifted off my shoulders. This is not my fault. I recently saw a commercial that declared 1 in 2 Canadians will develop cancer. Those are pretty good odds. But if we live in fear of being the 1 in 2 or if we live in the past trying to figure out the “why”, we are missing the now. Right now is all there is. Now is beautiful and calm, it is full of wonder, surprises and sometimes tears, frustrations and annoyances. It is the sun shining through the window, the birds chirping, the warm cup of tea, the snoring dog, the friend who reaches out or the neighbour mowing his lawn too early. Now is everything. I choose now. Maybe I did drink too much diet pop, was too zealous in fending off mosquitoes, inhaled too much second hand smoke and I think we have all learned since the ‘80’s that margarine containers don’t belong in the microwave. But In the wise words of Howard Jones, “No one. No one. No one ever is to blame.” 
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 Years ago when my nephew was just a little tyke, we went to the Calgary Zoo. The dinosaur area was a bit scary so we decided to get some bottled drinks and sit down for a break. As we settled in, my nephew shook up his pop, he opened it and it sprayed everywhere. He declared quite matter of factly - “that was unexpected”. Hmmm...actually no it wasn't. Last fall, I tripped on the stairs and hurt my glute muscle and leg. After having chiropractic treatment, acupuncture, physio, and even reiki, it wasn't getting better so I went to a walk-in clinic. At the time I did not have a family doctor (that’s a whole different issue) which is why I was trying the other treatments. An x-ray showed cancer lesions on my hip and pelvis. What?! That was unexpected. After many tests and scans it was determined I have metastatic breast cancer. Some may call it stage 4 breast cancer but I don't. Stage 4 sounds like I have one foot in the grave and according to my vision board, I have a lot left to do before I'm ready to return “home”. The past three years have been full of “the unexpected”. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed away a few months later in 2020. Covid hit and caused so many challenges for everyone - I did not expect to see people turn on each other. My dad struggled with grief over losing my mom and passed away from cancer complications last year. My sister and I unexpectedly have had to deal with our parents' estate in Victoria. And now, my cancer diagnosis and being in a wheelchair. It feels like God/Source/Creator/The Universe shook a pop bottle and handed it to me. Honestly, I'd like to let it settle before opening it but I don't believe that is why we are here. Life is full of challenges and the unexpected. If you haven't had many yet, that’s awesome but I suspect you will. It's what we signed up for. We are here to grow, to be challenged, to go through hard times, and learn the lessons we need to. Sometimes we get sprayed when we weren't expecting it. We are also here to love, laugh, explore our passions, and support each other. It's the good times and the people that hand us the napkins when we dripping with sticky pop that makes the journey so enjoyable. I am truly blessed to have people in my life who are prepared to hand me the wet wipes when I need them - people who lift me up and cheer me on. And even though I want to yell - “that was unexpected”, just maybe it wasn’t and everything is always working out for me.  |
AuthorIn February 2023 I embarked on a different journey. A cancer journey. As each cancer journey is unique, I'll share my personal thoughts and insights about my experiences in this blog. ArchivesCategories |
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