​Dear cancer,

I love you.
 
I know I didn’t roll out the red carpet for you or mix you a fancy welcome cocktail but to be fair, you took me by surprise and I was in a lot of pain.
 
You are a visitor I wasn’t expecting. A visitor that required me to drop everything and pay attention to you. You are a tad needy. But I love you.
 
You are me and I am you so how could I not love you?
 
I know it’s common language to want to “fight” you or use the "F" word like it’s your first name but, why would I want a war going on in my body? Full disclosure, I may have sworn at you but I realize, I shouldn’t tell a visitor (invited or not) to F-off. Sorry about that. If there is anything to learn from the current state of affairs in the world, it is that fighting isn’t helpful nor productive. It’s destructive. It causes heartache and pain. And death. Why would I want that in my body? I don’t. Love on the other hand creates happiness, peace and healing. I’ll take a generous helping of that please!
 
So, while you are visiting, I will try to be open to the lessons you are here to teach me and the opportunities you put in my path. I know that lessons often reveal themselves with the passing of time so I’m sure I don’t have the full picture yet. But as I restore balance, I am trying to live in the moment and love every bit of myself.
 
I have learned that the true joys in life, the ones that stick with me and settle in my heart, are the little things like – the big fluffy snowflakes tickling my face; watching a winter storm and pretending I live in a snow globe; cheering until my throat hurts at a ringette game;  hand stitching a quilt; enjoying a tea with family at a kitschy small town café; driving on my own and singing my heart out to ‘80’s classics. Even getting downstairs to do my own laundry is a blessing. I truly believe the spirit of gratitude will flow and attract even more things to be grateful for.

Ok, now I’m getting a bit too mushy and this is becoming reminiscent of a teenage love letter or a Hallmark holiday movie. Even though I do love you cancer, you are welcome to pack up your little suitcase and leave any time. Sometimes visitors do overstay their welcome. No hard feelings.
​
Yours truly (but not forever),
​M

I shared these thoughts with a group I am part of and one of the members pointed me to a poem by Rumi called  The Guest House. I'll share it below. 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalaluddin Rumifrom Rumi: Selected Poems, trans Coleman Barks with John Moynce, A. J. Arberry, Reynold Nicholson (Penguin Books, 2004)

My dad had a connection to the wolf spirit - especially after my mom passed. I think it was the "family pack" aspect attributed to wolves that he liked or maybe it was his spirit animal? I'm not sure. A few years ago I showed him a quilt pattern of a wolf and he told me he would love to have one. So, I bought the quilt kit with the intention of making it for him. It is a technique that I haven’t done - paper piecing. It's not a difficult technique just something I have to learn. I put it off and the kit is still sitting in my sewing space. When dad passed I thought it’s too late for this now - should I sell the kit? Of course it’s not too late. I believe if I make the quilt my dad will still appreciate it.

That got me thinking about the story of the two wolves. There are many versions on the internet but generally…
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
 
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I used to make year in review videos with all the adventures we had in the year. Mostly all the good because - well you know, life is only made up of good times. Or that’s what we think we need to show to the world.

I haven’t made a video since the end of 2018. If I look at my life since then, it makes sense. There have been a lot of low, confidence shattering, heartbreaking and incredibly difficult times. But of course there has also been fun, joy, laughter and even magical times. It’s the wolf you feed. 

This year I’m doing a review. Overall It’s been a surreal, challenging year that was totally unexpected but, I just drew another breath and for that, I’m grateful.

So here is my 2023...what I've learned and what I'm grateful for
- I resolve to move forward with as much grace and strength as I can through this cancer blip. No matter what, I got this.
- Waiting on the medical system is stressful. Once you’re in, the care is wonderful but they control your time. You go to the appointments when they are made for you. I had/have medical appointments at least every three weeks. 
- Needles are ok if you don't look.
- While I miss travelling abroad, sitting in the backyard watching the birds with a bubble tea and the sunshine on my face is pretty great. 
- Weekly deliveries of fresh fruit and fresh flowers bring joy.
- Things like getting in to a shower, driving, walking up/down stairs, riding a bike, visiting people, going for a walk in nature...should never be taken for granted.
- I am loved. So many people have offered support and love - friends reaching out, meals dropped off, gifts in the mail, notes of encouragement and prayers…lots of prayers. Wow. All the gestures lift me up and show me I am not alone. None of us are ever alone.
- Road trips to visit family, to watch ringette, to celebrate Ben's graduation and visits from family really made my heart happy. I also enjoyed travelling vicariously through the Kraft- Mullane's as they journeyed to Japan, Ireland, Sweden, Finland, Estonia and Hungary this year.  
- I am so grateful for Westley who is constantly by my side - watching over me. I'm not entirely sure what protection an 8lb dog can offer but I am so grateful for his loyalty and healing energy.
- Loss is hard. In October Phin crossed the rainbow bridge. I am so grateful for his big spirit and the 12+ years he was with us. There is an emptiness without him though.
- We sold the Victoria house which is a different kind of loss. We had to let go of our "home" in Victoria. I am grateful that Alana and her family were able to prepare the house to sell. I still have lots of bins from my parent's basement to sift through but I'll get there. Memories take time. 
- Having major changes in mobility is challenging, frustrating and isolating. So much of our world is not accessible. I went from using a cane to a walker to a wheel chair and now I am slowly getting back to the walker. With that I had to let go of ego about what I looked liked in order to participate in life. In the summer I bought a scooter so I could get out more go for walks (and to Costco). Life changing.
- I'm grateful I have a job with an understanding board and wonderful staff that allows me flexibility to work from home.
- Extreme pain is debilitating but meditation (and some Tylenol) helps. 
- I am responsible for my own hope and my mindset and inner dialogue plays an important role in healing. 
- Growing my faith and trust in the divine has been a major highlight. Everything is always working out for me. It can be no other way.

So 2024, I'm going to try to feed the wolf as much positivity as I can and dad, I'm committing to making that quilt for you...for me...for the joy of creating and learning something new. 

Cheers to 2024!

 Oh, and here's the 2023 video 

This post isn't about me. It's about our four legged family member, Phin, who was diagnosed with cancer (sarcoma) 3.5 years ago. In dog years - that's a long time. He faced cancer like a champ and just kept on enjoying each day. Sadly, on Oct. 14 we had to say goodbye. 

​I am incredibly fortunate to have had dogs my entire life. The companionship they bring is unsurpassed, but saying goodbye to a furry family member is extremely difficult. You know in your heart you are making the right decision but you just want to squeeze out a bit more time. Why can’t there be more time?
 
I’m so grateful to have had Phin in our lives. He arrived in Canada on a jet plane in 2011 as a three-year-old California dude with a sketchy past, a penchant for running away, sparkly white teeth and curly golden locks. He sprinkled joy wherever he went. Unless you were a bus – he hated busses. And motorcycles, and loud trucks…and bikes…oh, and winter.